The Ballad of Mary Sue
by SonicLover
Summary: This isn't as much a story as an attack on the common uncreative authorinsert Sonic fanfiction story. Read it and you'll see what I mean. Genre categorized as general until I can choose a better one.


The Ballad of Mary Sue

Disclaimer: Any similarities to actual fan-made Sonic characters, self-inserts or no, are almost wholly coincidental.

Author's note: The story this time is a bit more editorial than story. This problem was related to me the other day by a fellow fan-fic author. Almost all "self-insert" Sonic stories are basically the same. So it's time for a little awareness. (If you're wondering where the title came from, try doing an Internet search on "Mary-Sue".)

* * *

_"Ugh. Where am I?"_

I slowly opened my eyes. I was lying in a swimming pool. Slowly, I climbed out. The last thing I could remember was turning on my Gamecube for a game of Sonic Adventure DX, and all of a sudden the TV malfunctioned and sucked me in, and now I was here.

Something wasn't right here. I didn't feel like myself. And when I saw my reflection in the glass doors, I knew why. Staring back at me in the glass was a pale green fox with four tails flapping in the wind, and a large sword in a sheath on my back. I was Joust, the same character I'd designed for my fan-fiction.

Before I could react, a familiar face appeared behind me. I whirled around and saw it: Sonic the Hedgehog himself! I didn't know what to say; it was a large honor. I stammered for a moment before one sentence escaped my mouth:

"Can I have your autograph?"

Sonic simply shook his head. "Later, kid. What's your name?"

I introduced myself as Joust. Sonic nodded. "Nice to meet you, Joust. Say, I'm going on a run to Windy Valley later. Do you want to come with me?"

* * *

I slammed my fist on the desk. There it was again. The same self-insert Sonic story, with the same problems and the same issues. Guy gets thrown into Sonic's world, guy gets turned into Sonic-style character with no apparent explanation, guy willingly goes on adventures with Sonic cast, guy barely worries about how he left his prior life behind or anything like that.

Without hesitation, I picked up the telephone and dialed a number. After a moment, a male teenage voice answered. "This is the Hotline. Do you have anything to report?"

"This is SonicLover," I explained. "We've got another Code 782." I gave the details on four-tails and the story's ID number. I also told the voice that Joust had been conversing with Sonic, and to "do the usual." This would hopefully be done in just a few minutes.

* * *

Joust happily agreed to Sonic's invitation, but the blue hedgehog suddenly hesitated for a reason that wasn't apparent. He stepped closer to Joust. "Say, Joust, I know this is a little out of the blue, but who are you exactly? You look kinda like Tails."

This question was a bit of a shocker to Joust. He couldn't answer for a few seconds, then he took a deep breath and explained that he was a proud author of Sonic fanfiction, placed inexplicably in the body of one of his own characters. Joust wasn't even his real name.

"So what are you doing here?" Sonic added, which Joust answered in as much detail as he could muster. Sonic took in every detail, nodding his head silently.

Once Joust was done, Sonic leaned closer to speak some more. "So why are you so anxious to join me on an adventure? All kinds of things wait beyond here, and you know that. You could get yourself killed if you don't handle yourself properly, but you agree to it as if it's just a game. This is serious business."

Joust couldn't respond, so Sonic continued, putting his hand on Joust's shoulder. "And besides, think about what's going on up there in your world while you're sitting here. Your folks are probably going crazy trying to find you, if they've noticed your absence by now. Ever think of that?"

There was a long silence. Then, the emotions clicked together in Joust's mind. He could be getting himself killed out there right now, if he hadn't been so reckless. And at the same time, now that Sonic had mentioned it, he already missed his parents and his sister so much. A tear slowly formed in his eye, followed by another. They dripped like rain, splattering as they hit the concrete.

He couldn't hold it in any longer. Open the floodgates. Joust began crying and screaming like a baby, yelling things about his sister and how he could get badly hurt. A few beach-goers turned to look at the crying lime-colored kitsune.

Sonic carefully began to rub Joust's back gently, trying to calm him down. At first there was no reaction, but eventually the tears began to die down, and Joust looked up at Sonic, still sniffling.

"Hey, calm down, Joust. I wasn't trying to hurt your feelings. You're not the first to make these mistakes, and you won't be the last. Why don't you go back and reassure your sister that you're okay and didn't get hurt? And while you're at it, you can take a few classes on creativity and see if you can't get your writing spiced up a bit."

Joust still wiped a few tears from his eyes. "Go back? How?"

Well, this was nothing Sonic couldn't take care of. He pulled a Chaos Emerald out of nowhere and gestured at Joust with it. "CHAOS CONTROL!" In an instant, Joust was gone.

When the coast was clear, Sonic swapped the Emerald for a walkie-talkie. "This is Sonic. Tell our client that I'm all done. There's sure to be more, but still, that's one less we have to worry about, right?"

* * *

And somewhere, a fan-fiction author stared at his computer screen and thought to himself, _What the heck? Did I write that?_

* * *

That's a wrap. I think. 


End file.
